This
one is long so bear with me!
I
was talking to my awesome missionary sister Faith, and she said the awesome-est
piece of truth, “All Jesus wants to do is love you”. And it clicked. I had come
all the way to the jungles of Peru so that I could FINALLY realize that all
Jesus wants to do is hold me and love me. Really?!! Of course, yes, He has
given me a missionary heart that has brought me all the way here with His help.
He has called me by name to the jungles of Peru to a small Pueblo called Picota to love, love, and love and pour
out my heart for His people by bringing them the Gospel, but He has brought me
here to love me too.
So I began to open up my heart a couple weeks back. And He worked quick! He has
reached a part that I didn’t even know was broken. So, I want to talk about Doña
Melba.
Doña
Melba was my nanny when our family lived in Nicaragua. Pretty much she came into
my life ever since I was born. I grew up with her by my side and since my
parents worked, she took care of us all day, everyday. I remember thinking she
was my second mom. She was so gentle and loving.
One
day, I cut myself accidentally, it was the first time I tried to cut lemons by
myself. I was stubborn and wanted to do it myself, and as I started to cut, the
knife slid against the lemon peel, I’m guessing, not being very sharp (but
sharp enough to cut me. Of course!) And it went right into my index finger. The
cut wasn’t big, but I saw blood and that was all it took. I cried as if I had
chopped my finger off and she came quickly to my aid and I felt a sense of
relief and security letting me know I was going to be ok! Moms can do that,
right?
Another
time I got grounded, because I did something “horrific” to my brother probably.
I wasn’t allowed to play with my toys. I mean, if you want to break a kids
hopes and dreams of a happy childhood tell them they can’t play with their
toys. Anyway, as you can imagine, my heart was broken, really! I felt like it
was. I was moping around and Doña
Melba said with a smile, “It’s ok, you can play with your toys, but don’t tell
your dad!” I gave her the biggest smile I could possibly make and ran to our
toy room, she was a hero to me that day.
Doña
Melba would always feed me tomatoes and avocados with salt, until I was full up to my
ears! She would sit with me patiently and talk to me about everything and
anything! She would let me wear my “soft socks” in secret, so I didn’t have to
wear the “regular hard socks” that felt weird against my feet.
We moved to Mexico when I was eight and would later move to Florida.
I remember the day we said goodbye to her. I thought, “Why doesn’t she just
come with us?” but she was older and had health problems, she couldn’t just leave
her family and home. I said my goodbye and gave her a big hug as she stood
resting on the doorway of her house. When we drove off, I looked back with tears rolling down my face. I don’t really remember
much after that, except that I cried everyday praying I could see her, hug her, and be with her again. I would think of ways to send her
money or things she needed. One day, I walked into my parent’s room to tell
them how I felt and they told me she had passed away. I ran to my room and
cried myself to sleep. I think what hurt the most was that no one was there for me, like
she would have been. I had lost my second mom.
I
became angrier at God for not only taking her away from me the first time, but
a second time. I didn’t know how to grieve and I didn’t. I just kept thinking
of her less and less as time went by, but still just as angry. It was in a high
school retreat with a local youth group that I decided to let her go, for good. One of the activities was to have
alone time with God. I didn’t know what to do so I sat on the dock looking out
into the lake at sunset, (dramatic I know, but it happened!) and I said to myself, "I think its time to move on, I need to let you rest." I just pushed my feelings aside and didn’t think about her from then on.
Now,
here is where the story gets interesting, about 6 years after that, I sit here
writing this blog. Why? Well, Jesus has opened up this part of my heart and is loving me through it. He understands that I lost my mom the day I left Nicaragua
and the day she passed away. I always carry a picture of her with me. Some days it’s
hard to look at and some days it’s easier, but I am finally facing the fact that she
passed and I didn’t really get to say, “Goodbye, I love you with all of my
heart and soul, see you in heaven Doña Melba.” I have talked about it with my
mission partners, Andrea and Dulce whom have helped me immensely, I have prayed
about it, written poems and letters and will made her a super cool frame with
sunflowers to put her picture in. I am finally allowing myself to grieve and talk about it more and more.
Missions
has been one of the best and hardest times of my life, because I am faced
with the reality of many people around me that have lost loved ones and that
are all trying to heal and survive as I am. I know in my heart that Jesus has
called me here to tell them, “All Jesus wants to do is love you”. And I know it’s
true, because he has shown his faithfulness, loving and tender support as I begin
to look back and remember not with sadness, but hope that I will see Doña Melba
one day. Grieving her is not about forgetting her as I once thought, it’s about finally realizing, someone you love and care about so much is gone, but that one day you will be with them for eternity!
As I talk about her more and more, it gets easier and easier and I know
she is looking down at me with her big brown eyes, her big heart and beautiful smile, with a proud look on her face.