All Jesus wants is to love me, So, what now?

This one is long so bear with me!

I was talking to my awesome missionary sister Faith, and she said the awesome-est piece of truth, “All Jesus wants to do is love you”. And it clicked. I had come all the way to the jungles of Peru so that I could FINALLY realize that all Jesus wants to do is hold me and love me. Really?!! Of course, yes, He has given me a missionary heart that has brought me all the way here with His help. He has called me by name to the jungles of Peru to a small Pueblo called Picota to love, love, and love and pour out my heart for His people by bringing them the Gospel, but He has brought me here to love me too.

So I began to open up my heart a couple weeks back.  And He worked quick! He has reached a part that I didn’t even know was broken. So, I want to talk about Doña Melba.

Doña Melba was my nanny when our family lived in Nicaragua. Pretty much she came into my life ever since I was born. I grew up with her by my side and since my parents worked, she took care of us all day, everyday. I remember thinking she was my second mom. She was so gentle and loving. 

One day, I cut myself accidentally, it was the first time I tried to cut lemons by myself. I was stubborn and wanted to do it myself, and as I started to cut, the knife slid against the lemon peel, I’m guessing, not being very sharp (but sharp enough to cut me. Of course!) And it went right into my index finger. The cut wasn’t big, but I saw blood and that was all it took. I cried as if I had chopped my finger off and she came quickly to my aid and I felt a sense of relief and security letting me know I was going to be ok! Moms can do that, right?

Another time I got grounded, because I did something “horrific” to my brother probably. I wasn’t allowed to play with my toys. I mean, if you want to break a kids hopes and dreams of a happy childhood tell them they can’t play with their toys. Anyway, as you can imagine, my heart was broken, really! I felt like it was. I was moping around and Doña Melba said with a smile, “It’s ok, you can play with your toys, but don’t tell your dad!” I gave her the biggest smile I could possibly make and ran to our toy room, she was a hero to me that day.

Doña Melba would always feed me tomatoes and avocados with salt, until I was full up to my ears! She would sit with me patiently and talk to me about everything and anything! She would let me wear my “soft socks” in secret, so I didn’t have to wear the “regular hard socks” that felt weird against my feet.

We moved to Mexico when I was eight and would later move to Florida. I remember the day we said goodbye to her. I thought, “Why doesn’t she just come with us?” but she was older and had health problems, she couldn’t just leave her family and home. I said my goodbye and gave her a big hug as she stood resting on the doorway of her house.  When we drove off, I looked back with tears rolling down my face. I don’t really remember much after that, except that I cried everyday praying I could see her, hug her, and be with her again. I would think of ways to send her money or things she needed. One day, I walked into my parent’s room to tell them how I felt and they told me she had passed away. I ran to my room and cried myself to sleep. I think what hurt the most was that no one was there for me, like she would have been. I had lost my second mom.

I became angrier at God for not only taking her away from me the first time, but a second time. I didn’t know how to grieve and I didn’t. I just kept thinking of her less and less as time went by, but still just as angry. It was in a high school retreat with a local youth group that I decided to let her go, for good. One of the activities was to have alone time with God. I didn’t know what to do so I sat on the dock looking out into the lake at sunset, (dramatic I know, but it happened!) and I said to myself, "I think its time to move on, I need to let you rest."  I just pushed my feelings aside and didn’t think about her from then on.

Now, here is where the story gets interesting, about 6 years after that, I sit here writing this blog. Why? Well, Jesus has opened up this part of my heart and is loving me through it. He understands that I lost my mom the day I left Nicaragua and the day she passed away. I always carry a picture of her with me. Some days it’s hard to look at and some days it’s easier, but I am finally facing the fact that she passed and I didn’t really get to say, “Goodbye, I love you with all of my heart and soul, see you in heaven Doña Melba.” I have talked about it with my mission partners, Andrea and Dulce whom have helped me immensely, I have prayed about it, written poems and letters and will made her a super cool frame with sunflowers to put her picture in. I am finally allowing myself to grieve and talk about it more and more.

Missions has been one of the best and hardest times of my life, because I am faced with the reality of many people around me that have lost loved ones and that are all trying to heal and survive as I am. I know in my heart that Jesus has called me here to tell them, “All Jesus wants to do is love you”. And I know it’s true, because he has shown his faithfulness, loving and tender support as I begin to look back and remember not with sadness, but hope that I will see Doña Melba one day. Grieving her is not about forgetting her as I once thought, it’s about finally realizing, someone you love and care about so much is gone, but  that one day you will be with them for eternity!

As I talk about her more and more, it gets easier and easier and I know she is looking down at me with her big brown eyes, her big heart and beautiful smile, with a proud look on her face.